New Year Evolution

There are so many traditions around the holiday season. As soon as December hits, all the Christmas carols start to be broadcast everywhere. The decorations and the lights start going up. Everybody starts looking at the weather forecast, and they start wishing for a white Christmas. Start planning menus, start planning parties. They get family heirlooms out that are connected with the season and display them. Everybody is suddenly expected to be a better person and be kinder regardless of how they have treated everybody over the year because nothing says giving and sharing like Santa Claus.

For us, as Romanians, it starts on the 30th of November when we plant wheat in a pot and see how big it grows until the New Year as an indication of how good the next year will be. Then, on the 6th of December, we will get our boots all cleaned up in preparation for Saint Nicholas bringing us presents. This will be a dressed rehearsal for Christmas because, if you are not good, he will leave a stick in your shoes and if you have been good, there will be fruit and candy. We will slaughter a pig, make sausages, and cured meats, and get our appetites ready while we fast. Christmas is next with the bigger presents and the family dinners, school shows, church concerts, carolling from strangers, peace on Earth and all that. Every single year there will be reports of people ending up in the emergency room after stuffing their faces and becoming ill on the day. All culminates with New Year with the standard, fireworks, bubbly and a meal towards midnight, sparklers cause nothing says the night between years like letting children run around with a fire hazard and talks of New Year resolutions. We also had the cheese pie, close to a cheesecake but not really, in which we put a coin to be found by the luckiest of the group and my family also smashed a bottle to break the bad luck from last year. On the 1st of January, we would go around with a custom called “Sorcova”. That is a stick with coloured paper flowers attached to it and you kind of use it like a magic wand and you wish all the best to your relatives, and you get paid for carolling.

One would expect all of this to be a season of joy but in my family, it has always been a tense affair. Something about the entire family coming together just brings all of this tension. When we were young, we always got dressed nicely for Christmas and New Year and we did the meals and the visits. We have told poems to show how smart we are. We have shown our report cards so our parents can get their validations from our grandparents. We would then eat the family dinner with mom and dad and while we would be watching movies about families coming together and celebrating in peace and harmony, my family had a tradition of fighting on every holiday, birthday, or special occasion. It would always be something before, during or after the meal. My dad would be set off in a way, he would abandon the meal saying that he doesn’t need food and go to his room. It was always a matter of when it will happen, not if it will happen. So, holiday celebrations had always had a tinge of sorrow, always knowing that they would be ruined one way or another.

My tradition is to watch “A Christmas Carol.” I have watched all versions and regardless of how cheesy they might be, I have enjoyed every single one of them. From all the Christmas movies, I choose the one where if somebody admits their mistakes and takes responsibility, they can turn their life around and be a better person. After a string of bad relationships, forever hopeful, Miss Christmas Carol met Mr It’s a Wonderful Life, another Christmas classic about a man on the brink of suicide that is shown that his life has indeed meaning, and he has improved people’s lives by being in them.

The first Christmas we spent together was in Bucharest. I bought a Christmas tree, decorated the house, and bought everything traditional for him to try, and we spent the day together. It was peaceful and relaxed, and we didn’t have one single fight. We drank hot chocolate, watched movies, and exchanged gifts and it was the best Christmas that I have ever had. Funny how little I needed to be happy. The next ones were spent in Scotland. We would go and see all his relatives, share gifts with everyone, catch up, and enjoy wine and food. It was so weird to see so many people just getting along, not a single fight in sight, everybody smiling and having a good time. It felt so unnatural, but it became one of my favourite holidays. I properly got involved. I might have made him write all the cards that he didn’t necessarily care to write but I knew that we would get one and it would be nice to have written one as well. I have chased and pushed and prodded and found options and made sure that we got gifts for everybody and tried to bring them as close to what people would like as possible. Every year, he would fight me every single step of the way but on the day, we would go and hand the gift over and the person would be happy and grateful, and his face would light up to see them happy. I would be happy knowing that all of it was worth it for those moments. He would be grateful in the morning, but he would still fight me on it the next year.

The first December after we broke up, we were in pandemic times. There were still quite a lot of restrictions around travelling and Romania was not doing very well with the vaccination so, there was always a risk that the borders would be closed, and I would be stuck in Romania, with my family. I stayed in Glasgow, and I had taken almost three weeks off since I had so much holiday time left over. I was so exhausted after this first year that I just lay on the couch watched TV and slept, barely eating and drinking. I was completely checked out as I had processed my emotions for so long that now I was exhausted and giving myself a chance to dissociate. I would just watch the same series that I had already liked and enjoyed in the past. At least that way, I could be sure that I would enjoy it. I had Bruno with me for New Year, and I bought him and myself presents, and we opened them together. He was just as excited about opening mine as he was about getting his. We had dinner and Bruno was the only spark of joy I had. It has been a tough year and while I was an empty shell, I was still there, still alive.

The next year, dissociating was no longer a luxury I could allow myself. I took the same three weeks off at the end of the year and I considered what my life was and how much I had achieved in the year, how many of my objectives I had achieved. The next year, I spent with my blinds drawn feeling exposed and fragile. I brought my beanbag chair to the living room; I got the footstool and a blanket, and I just watched Netflix while eating crisps and chocolate. My main hobby was crying, and I was so depressed. I had Bruno for Christmas week this time and he went for New Year with my ex. He has been such a supportive boy. He would try to get me to go out for walks and I would be in the middle of crying my eyes out so, he would lick my tears away and then he would get up on the beanbag chair and just cuddle with me and comfort me. I would pet him and rock him until I would calm down and then we would go to the park and walk around just in time for coming back home and having another breakdown.

Since I had the time, I was a bit more active, and I also had time to tend to my hobbies. I quite enjoy puzzles, and I started to buy 5D diamond art kits. I would light some candles, get a nice glass of red wine and work on adding hundreds of rhinestones to these pictures. The activity allowed me to concentrate on some of the areas of my brain and kept me exhausting myself and avoiding being hyper-stimulated, while still allowing me to be able to weep uncontrollably, think about everything that is happening in my life and work through my feelings. The problem became that I was toxically goal-oriented and I kept on pushing myself to complete the image as quickly as possible even though my body was in agony, and I would have spent the entire night working on it. My brain would be fully engaged so, I wouldn’t have time to realize that I was actively hurting myself while still thinking that I was not achieving my goal fast enough.

I have also managed to be more social, and I have seen my friends for Christmas and New Year. I was completely anxiety-riddled the entire time, I was shivering because of it but I just got nicely dressed, put makeup on to give myself confidence and went out to see them.

The next year, things have taken quite a wild change. I was no longer crying my eyes out, but I was instead enjoying my free time. I have spent my time reading, writing, and watching TV, I have eaten good food and drank wine and this time, I have allowed my body to take over and just act as it needed. That unfortunately meant that I would stay up the entire night, go to bed at 7 and then wake up in the evening but I felt balanced and at ease. I was so relaxed that I could rest, dream, and remember my dreams. I still like doing the 5D art kits but this time around, I enjoyed the activity, I have slowed down and I have allowed myself to stop when I felt that my body was getting tired, and I needed a break.

I also saw my friends for Christmas and on New Year when I wasn’t feeling well, I allowed myself to just stay home and not feel the pressure to have an activity. I would have gotten everyone sick since I had the cold. I cleaned the house, took a bath, cooked, put a mask on and cuddled with Bruno while watching TV. It might sound boring but, it was exactly what I needed, and I realised that I am finally enjoying solitude rather than fearing being lonely. That was the biggest win that I could have for the year.

I can’t say that will happen next year, but I enjoy these periods where I can leave the usual stream of life, get off the hamster wheel and just allow myself to exist naturally. It allows me to realise where I am, and how far I've come, and have a think as to what I want to do. I enjoy treating myself, buying myself gifts, and I am so generous with myself. I have had to provide a list of options in the past from which my presents would have been picked, when all I wanted was someone to put the time and effort to surprise me, to show me that they know me and that they see me. Every year, I realise how magical my life is becoming each year. The spirits might not be able to do it all in one night, but nowadays, I spend a lot fewer days being hunted by the past, my present is filled with self-compassion, and I no longer spend my time scared of the future.