Ramblings of a Lost Soul

Here I am, in the wastelands of my own consciousness. I am in the eye of the storm, but for once, there is peace. I can see all my thoughts whirling around, the ghosts of the past clutching at me, and my demons prowling, ready to pounce at any minute.

It has been such a long journey, and it all started with me willing myself off the floor. I was so small and so scared, not knowing what to do next. I decided that giving up was not an option and took the first shaky step into the unknown. I was disconnected from myself, a stranger for years. I looked in the mirror and I wondered who the woman was staring back at me. It was not only that I didn’t know her, it was not only that she was so far from what I thought she would be but, I saw her as wanting, as weak. I hated her so much and I tried to get as far away from her as I could.

A troubled time followed, sailing the rough seas of my own failings. I braved the storms knowing that I would not find what I was looking for unless I kept going beyond the dark clouds. I braved it as could, but it all seemed endless. Just a wide stretch of despair as far as the eye can see. The shackles of this world were tying me down, pulling me under and the void was so alluring. The thought that I am just a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things and if I disappeared no one would know the difference, no one would care. Just a blip out of existence like I had never even been. I wanted to let go. For what was I fighting? For better? I have hoped for better and better seldom came and if it did it would only be temporary. Just enough happiness to hint at a possibility that I can have it too. It always came with a great fear that everything would just disappear in a puff of smoke.

At this cross point, my guardian stepped up. Fearful, unsure of me but, with so much love in his heart. Two brown eyes watching me without a word. Waiting for me to make a move, to make a choice. I would pet him, and his soft coat would bring me peace. I would put my head on his fury chest and the sound of his beating heart would quiet the voices in my head. He would put his paws on my shoulder, and he would slowly and methodically lick my face, lick my tears away, making me feel taken care of, making me feel loved. Giving me his love when I had none for myself. Bruno was unassuming. He didn’t judge me for my past and didn’t question my future. He lived in the moment, and he accepted me as I was. He didn’t judge me for being in a low spot. He had absolutely no expectation of what I should be or how I should feel. He became the Cerberus, guarding my own personal hell. He has shown me love beyond belief. He has accepted me with the same joy in my best days and my darkest days. He has watched over my heart fearlessly and he has healed it at every step. He has allowed me to fall apart, and he has been there to pick up the pieces. It was for him that I held on. I felt that if he loved me like that surely, I could be loved. For him, I would be strong. For him, I would transform.

I have always been fascinated with Marin’s Sorescu’s “Iona.” The main character is a fisherman who carries with him a bowl of fish and on a bad day, he fishes in the bowl to make himself feel better, to make himself believe that he has achieved. A giant fish swallows him one day and he attempts to free himself by cutting the belly with the hope that he will make it somehow.

My mind always came back to it. I always pondered what it meant and why it was so important to me. I have thought that changing friends, changing surroundings, and changing my look will make a difference. I had thought that it all happened to me and that I had no choice or agency. That I am powerless in the face of destiny. The answer was always staring me in the face. The way out is within.

I have looked inwards even harder, I have become a Phoenix, changing again and again, reinventing myself, analysing every permutation that I could, not knowing where I would end up but, knowing with certainty that I was becoming. I have killed my ego again and again, slayed some of my demons, and starred others in the face. I have taken the masks of those taunting ghosts of the past, given them a name, and freed myself of their power over me. I have grieved every single failure and allowed the wounds to bleed openly. I have been brought to my knees so many times but, I got up each time and I tried again, and again, and again, and again…

I have tried to find some way to connect and fight the deep loneliness that stretched endlessly in front of me. All, I wanted, all I EVER wanted was for someone to look within and see me as I am. See all the scars and all the wounds and not pull away. The problem was that I was the first one to run from myself.

I have pushed and pulled in all directions. I have tried to will into existence everything that I wanted, leaned into the pain knowing that it is the only way that I can make everything a reality. I have tried to pull my reality back together and held on to it with both hands. I have been struggling, fighting, falling apart, putting myself back together for so long and while I am growing, I am also growing tired. So exhausted of feeling that I don’t have any answers, that I have no real solution so… here I am, not giving up but, giving in. It Is time to stop and take stock. See all the lessons that I have learned, look again in the mirror, and allow my mind to adjust to who I am now. Not giving up, just safe in the eye of the storm, resting while the wheel of destiny keeps spinning.