Everybody Loves Bruno

I remember seeing him for the first time. We were looking for puppies and decided to go for a boxer. We were looking through ads and decided to schedule a few meetings to see the different litters. I saw his little face and saw that spot of white fur above his nose, and that was me. That was the moment I lost my heart to him. I kept being told that I shouldn’t get attached, that he might not be there, but I couldn’t help myself. We drove for ages, and we finally got there. Went into the house, and we met his momma. I petted her and as I was doing that, I felt two little tongues on my leg. When I looked down, there were two little puppies. There he was. The family was trying to get him and his little brother to play, but he was sleepy, and he kept wanting to waddle back to his bed. I loved that about him. His sassiness and commitment to do exactly what he wanted. While I was there, it fell on me to choose between the two puppies, and I faltered. I wondered which would be the best choice. Was I being selfish, or was I just picking him just because he was bigger than his brother? I just felt like there was something about him. A touch of destiny, perhaps. The therapy needed to address my being able to get what I wanted and second-guessing it… I listened to my heart, though, and I went with my heart. We got to take my dreamboat home, and this is how our story started.

We got this baby, and he was the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life. He was soft as velvet, and he had the biggest brown eyes looking back at me. Sunshine was coming out of his little bum. He was walking on his Bambi legs, which looked too long for his body. I had held him and cuddled him on the drive back, and he smelled of rainbows, happiness, and wishes coming true. I loved his smell so much, and I still breathe his smell in deeply now. Oxytocin gets released when a mother bonds with her child, and the same happens when an owner bonds with their pet. I did not doubt in my mind that I would do anything in my power to make sure that he was protected and that he was happy. I would go to jail tomorrow if anybody tried to hurt him.

On the first night, we could hear him crying in the kitchen while we were googling and whispering under the covers, trying to understand what we should do. We tiptoed to see what he was doing, and he was crying and looking at his reflection in the stove door, that way, when you cry, you look at yourself in the mirror to see if you are suffering enough. He fell asleep and we could take some rest too, but not for long, cause he would be up shortly after. During the day, he would come to sleep on my ankles, and I put down the cushions for him so he could be more comfortable. I have taken so many pictures of him just living his life and playing with his little toy monkey. The next night, we knew that we couldn’t leave out water and food, cause that would make him wake up again and again. He was still in the kitchen, and there was a cardboard stuck to the door keeping him in. I could hear him banging against the improvised door, and all of a sudden, I could hear him crying closer. I went to check, and I could see my little Houdini crying and chewing on a sneaker that he found in the hallway. I put him back in the kitchen, without talking or comforting him, just like the internet said, and I went back to not sleeping a wink, worrying about him being ok.

On day 3, we bought a crate to try something different. To get him used to the crate, we played with him in it, I got fully in and fed him treats, we put his bed in there, and he managed to sleep in it during the day, and then it was time to take it into our bedroom during the night. He cried for an hour, and then we all finally managed to fall asleep. I had my light on, and I was hanging halfway down the bed so he could see me, but that worked. He was happy that he was not alone, and he could see me, but I slept so poorly for months.

I started to see him so much like my child. I worried about him being healthy, I worried about what he might want to eat, toys he might like, treats, and vitamins he might need to take. I saw him so small and in need of so much help. He had so much to learn that in the beginning, it was overwhelming. We would go into the back garden, and he would investigate the leaves, tripping over his legs and sniffing everything. A bit scared of the new environment while I was trying to encourage him to smell everything and try to be brave. His first time we played was in the garden, and a stick was his first outside toy. Inside, he had this quiet little monkey that he loved so much; out of all the toys, he took care of that one the best, and he would sleep with it. It is one of the things that I still have, that I will keep with me forever.

His personality was so strong. He always wanted to join in everything, he always wanted to be around us, and he was a demanding little princess from day one. Plenty of times I have found myself in the bathroom and him kicking in the door like SWAT and coming in. He would just waddle in and come to fall asleep on my feet while I was on the toilet. As he got older, he would come and lick my face, and regardless of how much, I would try to tell him to get out; the most I got was him lying down and guarding me. I suppose it makes sense since I am connected to him, and I have to watch him every time he goes to the bathroom. I could live without him staring into my soul while he is squatting and his knees are shaking, but apparently, I am meant to give him cues in case he is not safe. I also don’t get to take a bath in peace, he would come in and try to drink some of my bath water. I would essentially be a giant tea bag for him.

We knew from the start that taking him on would be our greatest responsibility. That training him right would mean that we would keep him safe since he was going to grow to be a big boy. We couldn’t roughhouse with him as a pup, we knew that we had to watch as he would be around children. He is a boxer, and his instinct is to hook around our hands with his paws and pull things in, he throws paws, and he stomps on things. I got chewed on, I was black and blue from claws since he didn’t know his strength, and I got hurt, but he learned. My baby is gentle as anything. Whenever I say “ouch”, he will immediately drop the toy and start sniffing me and licking me to comfort me and make sure I am all right. He will wait by the toy so I can chuck it for him. He will not play fetch for the life of him, but he will love to have you chase him. If you say drop it and you are holding the toy, he will drop it, but otherwise, he just likes to tease you.

Potty training meant I had stepped in so many warm and cold puddles that I care to remember. We tried taking him out every two hours, and we tried to introduce the bells system, which he took to like a duck to water, but he was being so demanding with it that we decided to remove it as he was bullying us with impatiently ringing them. I had asked the nurse what I should do as he didn’t seem to make progress, and she said that by 6 months, he should be fully trained. That started to feel like pressure, and then like clockwork, when he turned 6 months, that was him trained. He must have been listening to the nurse, too.

I have had to let go of the idea that my house is going to be perfectly clean and that this is an all-right price to pay to have him. He would drink water and leave a trail behind him. He would eat and then go around the house and wipe his face on everything I own. If you do not come and wipe his face, he will come and wipe on you. Guess who gave up on the idea of looking cute while walking the dog? He would pull like a fiend on the lead so my shoulder and back have gone so many times than I care to remember. To mediate that, I would let him off the lead, and when it rained, he would go, find, and lie down in a puddle, get the zoomies, and then try to body slam me to play with me. He would then growl like a demon dog and gently nibble on my sleeve. He sounds aggressive, but that is because he is so vocal when he plays. I called him a hellhound a few times, and he got the biggest puppy dog eyes when I did, and I swear the more I repeated it, he just got fluffier and cuter. The irony amused me every time.

I became a true helicopter mom. Training him to stay alone in the house gave me the worst case of anxiety. While he was in the house, stealing our things and making a bed out of them to comfort himself, I was in town thinking of one hundred ways that he would kill himself alone in the house. There would have been a fire, and he would have been trapped. I forgot to remove his collar, and he will strangle himself. Everything would happen in this one hour while I was in the supermarket, and I wasn’t there to protect him. I would spend my time watching him sleep and wondering if I could ever make him as happy as he makes me. When he would wag his tail in his sleep, I liked to think that it meant that he had had a good day and when he would cry or bark in his sleep, I would think that maybe he was upset and had had a bad day and I would hug him and kiss him and tell him that he is safe, and he is loved. From time to time, I would cry at the thought that my perfect little angel would only live a short life, and I would lose him at some point.

Life had a rhythm to it. Wake up. Take Bruno for a walk. Feed Bruno. Get ready for work. Put him in the crate or just say goodbye and then leave. Go to work. Come back. Cook dinner. Feed Bruno. Walk Bruno. Cuddle with him. He began to sleep in our bed, and while he slept between us in the beginning, he would end up sleeping with his head on my ankles first and then between my legs in a coil or spread eagle. I have spent so much time not moving for fear of waking him up or trying to figure out how to move around him so I can relieve some of my back pain. It had a rhythm, and then it didn’t. Then I was faced with the decision of keeping him or letting him go. I tried to figure out what I could do to keep the love of my life, and at the same time, I felt so much shame that I felt weak, and I could barely take care of myself, so I didn’t know how I could possibly take care of him. It didn’t help that I tried to get close to him, and he would run away from me. It seemed that he had made his choice, and it felt so selfish of me to try to hold on to him. I wrestled so much with these thoughts and when I left the house to start the new stage of my life, while I had not decided about us, I buried my face in his fur, and I cried all of my unfulfilled hopes and dreams about the life that we could’ve had, and I begged him to forgive me for being weak. I later decided I could not give him up, so an arrangement was worked out about sharing time with Bruno. We could give each other up just fine, but never him.

I would visit him. When I would come to the door, I would be received with such joy by Bruno. He would body slam me and give me kisses, he would wag his tail, and his entire body would turn into this croissant shape, and I would feel so loved by him. We would go walking, and I was so happy to spend time with him, but I felt like we were chased, like we were on the run, like there would be nowhere to rest. All of a sudden, I couldn’t have him all the time. I didn’t have the freedom to choose what I wanted to do with him, I had to adjust to just having glimpses of him, even though I would see him every other day, during the pandemic. I was able to stay in the backyard and not only see him but all the other dogs that were in the building, and they made me so happy. So much joy from them to see me, and I was so happy to see them. They received me without judgment and love, and that made me feel so happy. The most honest of connections.

I moved again after another 6 months, and I was able to have him for a week at a time. I felt more at peace. I could enjoy him without restraints, we could schedule our day however we wanted, and I made sure I took so many pictures of him so whenever I didn’t have him, I could look at them to get me through it. In this period, he also became a teenager. He started to try to push boundaries and see what he could do. He also started to get his hormones coming through, and he was maturing sexually. That meant he was becoming more protective of me. He was becoming more aggressive and trying to square up to other male dogs. I was very anxious, and that was being transmitted to him too. I felt that I was failing him as I didn’t know how to control this, and I didn’t know how to train him and help him through it. I became scared that I was putting him at risk, and if he attacked another dog, he would be destroyed because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. We came together and we went to a behaviourist, and he confirmed that it was our fault, and we were transmitting the anxiety to Bruno and making him feel like he needed to protect us. We also decided that we need to neuter him so we can curb this behaviour and ensure that he can have a full life, to be able to play and be off leash rather than be trapped in this hyperaware state of mine and then getting tunnel vision and going for another dog. That helped, and he calmed down. Sure, there are still dogs he doesn’t like, and that is fine, but I know how to recognise the signs, to avoid a conflict, and how to calm him down.

He brings me such immense joy from his beautiful face to seeing his ears bounce when he walks. I love the click-clack of his nails on the pavement when he walks at night. He makes me smile. I see him running around. The way he gets zoomies, and his head goes back as he runs off. The way he comes over when he is mad, makes a circle to get ready to sit down, stops, looks at me up and down, and then essentially chucks himself on my legs, landing with a sigh. That is the most discreet “I love you, bitch!” I ever got. I love the way his tail moves like that of a rattlesnake when he coils to go to sleep. I love to think that when I take off his collar, he is wild and naked like I feel without my bra. I love how he never steals food off a plate, but he just puts his face next to the plate and then uses his eyes to send messages that he wants the food. He will not cry, but he will drool, and there will be spit bubbles. The way he arranges the pillows when he sleeps is just like when he was a baby; he loves a cushion. Even his side eye and the way he judges my entire existence make me smile.

He also triggers me immensely. I had days when I was falling apart, and I felt like I was not doing enough. I would walk him, and then he would take too long for my anxiety, and I would start telling him that he should hurry up. Or he would want to play more and would try to run away, while I would be depressed and wanting to lie down, having already struggled to get out of the house. If he came back into the house and started crying, every single cry would tell me that I wasn’t enough. That I wasn’t doing enough. That I was being selfish. That I am holding him for my benefit when I should let him be, and he would be happier without me. I feel I can never get sick because then there would be nobody else to take him out when I have him. It gives me anxiety to go out when I have him because I feel separation anxiety and guilt.

His being sick is the worst. The last time, he was sick, and I thought I saw blood when I was cleaning up. I called the vet and explained what was happening, and she gave me advice and told me to keep him hydrated with a syringe. It was a Sunday, and the pharmacies were closed. I was panicking so much as I didn’t know what to do to help Bruno, and I was so worried about what it could be. In my highly anxious state, I put my finger in his water bowl and rubbed it on his gums like it was cocaine in Narcos. What that did was stick his upper lip to his gums and expose his four upper front teeth. With his lip like that, he looked at me, and then away, and then at me, and then away. I could see the wheels in his brain moving as he must have been thinking: “Have I… Have I just been assaulted here? Do I need to call SSPCA on this woman?” That thought alone made me laugh, and all of a sudden, I was relaxed. I knew that whatever would happen, I would do whatever needed to be done for him to be safe, and we would be fine. I might not have it together, but I will show up for him.

Just as he triggers me, he calms me down. He comes and gives me kisses, he licks my face, and he cuddles with me. He brings me toys when I am down, he makes me go on walks, and by the end of them, I promise you that I am laughing, I am relaxed, and I have a good time. He is calm and forgiving. When I snap at him, he is disappointed, but when I come to my senses and realise that it is about me and he is not to blame, I apologise, and he will happily accept the hugs and kisses. We eat together, and I love to cook for him. He checks up on me when I have fallen asleep on the couch and comes to take me to our bedroom. If he is asleep somewhere else, he will eventually come and sleep in my bed. Looking at him makes me happy. Cuddling him makes me happy. Smelling him makes me happy. He has this calm way about him when it comes to people who are scared of dogs, and that calm expectation without judgment means that I lot of people who are scared of dogs are not scared of Bruno. He is so gentle and loving. He is so kind that a part of me feels proud that we have raised him right. He makes one feel taken care of whenever he is around, loved without expectation and limits.

I am so lucky to have Bruno in my life. He is one of my soul mates. While people think that he is just a dog, for me, he is where all my maternal urges have gone, he is the reason I am still around. He is also the one who triggers all of my fears around parenthood. He is my teacher when it comes to living in the moment. He is silently loving and wise, showing me that actions are more important than words. Every moment with him is precious, and I try to capture as many as I can in these snow globe moments, like him playing in the snow, making a new friend, and him getting stalked by the neighbourhood fox. My time with him is so precious, and my little angel spreads love, joy, and laughter everywhere he goes and with everyone he meets. I might not know a lot of things, but believe me when I tell you, if you met him, you would love Bruno too.