“No” is a full sentence.

“Do what you want and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.” I have always loved Dr. Seuss's quote. It spoke to me about the freedom of absolutely being yourself and having the right people around you who love and accept you for who you are. That was not the situation for me growing up. If I said the wrong thing, my mom would stop talking to me, my dad would either start yelling or I would get spanked for it, my grans would have a go at my parents, and I would have their additional anger and shame from being told off by their parents. Another alternative would either be to be ridiculed or dismissed. Even in recent years, I have given my honest opinion, and I got told I am mean, although I have not been insulting, and I have paid attention to stick to the facts. I wanted to be accepted, so if the things one says get them punished or rejected, one starts to filter them. Don’t say what you think, and then things will be just fine. Just play along and fit in.

I remember saying no to doing things as a child because I didn’t like the activity, or I was uncomfortable, and I remember that I would be in my room and my dad would sit me down and explain to me that mom had asked me to do something, and she was upset because I said no. He would say that she took care of us, loved us, and did everything to make us happy, and we shouldn’t upset her by disobeying her. He would ask me if I loved my mom and told me that I should just do what she wanted and make her happy. I remember having this conversation again and again when I was young. It was never a matter of things being explained to me or me having the option to opt out, it was always a matter of “if you say no, you are selfish” or “you will do this because we are your parents, and we say so.” I had thus been made responsible for my mother’s feelings, and I have been taught that her needs are more important than mine. The message boils down to people pleasing is a way to show love, and you will receive love in return.

My dad was always confrontational. I would talk to him, and if we disagreed, we could have a full-on fight about it, shouting included. He would not be very shy about showing that he was displeased that I didn’t agree with him. His view was always that he knew best, and he would never apologise after a fight because, from where he stood, he was never wrong; I just needed time to see that he was right. Whatever interest I had that he did not approve of was looked at with contempt, and he would make comments to put me down. All of this I can dismiss though; this I can look back on, see where the issues were and let it go. Growing up, I could see that it was an attempt at control, and as I matured, I could rationalise that his opinion was not required to decide, especially when I became financially independent. My mom is not like that. For her, if I say no or reject something that she says, she just looks down, hurt. Her view is that she is big-hearted and always wants the best, and I am not being appreciative of that. She does not fight or argue about it; she just refuses to talk. She is the victim, and you are the aggressor. There are a lot of feelings of shame about engaging with her that still get triggered when she acts like this. If you don’t do what I say, I will reject you and more than that, it will be your fault for doing it. She never says “NO” herself; she just creates an environment where the conditions aren’t conducive for a “YES” to be possible. If we don’t discuss it, then I can’t disprove it and have my way. Something that both my parents share is that they will leave the room, if I am at their house, or they will leave my house if they are upset if they do not like the topic of conversation so, nothing can really be discussed or debated, and it just feels that everything gets pushed under the rug and it just breeds a lot of tension as nothing gets resolved.

As I grew up, of course, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of the group, and that comes with going along with what other people want, especially since I was introverted, and my self-esteem was so low. I was the little girl who would start crying when she was upset, children would bully me because of it, and they would try to make me cry even harder, so, the desire to be accepted was so strong. Funny enough, I have never been one to give in to peer pressure, though. If it is not coming from my internal processes, I will not do it. I have no fear of missing out. It seems like it is still very much grounded in me that having an emotional attachment to a person drives the need to make them happy or feel ashamed if I were to disappoint them.

I have found it completely amazing how many of these traits and self-destructive behaviours tend to be highly rewarded when I started working and went into the corporate world. I worked in an operational support function. My people-pleasing behaviour guided me to figure out what a person would like and adjust the output to match the person's requirements. I fulfilled the person’s wishes before they asked for it. Together with getting attached to people quickly, projecting my feelings onto other people, the constant need to achieve and prioritizing other people’s needs over mine, I got into a place where I have taken on more and more work and I felt that I had to make sure everything is taken care of immediately or otherwise it would be a personal failure. I have prioritised to the point where I had days extending to 12+ hours, and I would forget to drink, eat, and even move. I would be completely engrossed in what I was doing and lose track of time, I would be exhausted and emotionally drained, and then I would wake up the next day and do it all over again.

As my self-esteem started to improve and I started to pay more attention to my self-care and well-being, I started to become more aware of how I was being treated and how my actions weren’t appreciated. My dedication, my effectiveness, and my going above and beyond were just seen as the norm, and people thought they were very much entitled to my time. I started to wonder what in the world could have made them behave like that. Why would they think that I am some sort of genie who is there to just fulfil their wishes? To the point where I was assigned tasks that were urgent and had to be completed that day, and then they would log off with the expectation for me to work overtime. The more and more I thought about it, I realised that the problem was me. I had allowed people to treat me poorly because I had convinced myself that we were a team and they cared for me as a person, cared about my wellbeing and had my best interests in mind just like I had theirs. I felt that if I wasn’t busy and achieving all the time, I was being lazy. I was pushing my physical boundaries and making myself sick. Even more, I was saying yes to things that I knew I shouldn’t take on; I would solve it, but the entire time I would be completely resentful for having to do it, swallowing my anger over it.

I have spoken in therapy about it, and we explored how I needed to become more assertive and learn to set boundaries. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. Once you become aware of the behaviour, you become aware of where it is going to take you emotionally, then the motivation to change it becomes a lot stronger than the desire to continue the pattern. For me, it became painfully obvious when I took on projects that would help my development and the person I was working with expressed concerns that they would interfere with me accomplishing their tasks and went as far as asking me to drop my projects despite them being great opportunities for my career. I had done what they had asked, and they had seemed kind and grateful, and now that I was adding my interests to the equation, not only were they unhappy, but they were actively trying to get their way and remove me from those projects. I thought about this at length, as this was so far from anything that I would ever do that I couldn’t understand how people could be so selfish and self-involved. To be honest, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got, and it was a lot easier to set boundaries, to say what my needs were and to be reasonable about my capabilities. Once I stopped looking at them as friends who had my best interests in mind and looked at them as individuals who had their own agenda and would scrupulously pursue it, it became easier to stop seeing everything that went wrong in our interactions as a personal failure, something that I caused, and I was responsible for. One needed a place to start, and this was the easiest place to start.

I have started to practice saying what is on my mind. Not everybody liked it, and some people were lost in the process, but, to be honest, I don’t need everybody on this life journey. In the beginning, it was hard, I would say no to something and when people started to try to convince me, I would start to feel uncomfortable; my first instinct would be to give in. I would feel my inside world crumbling, and I would feel a shudder. I would feel selfish if I were not doing what they asked of me. I found that whenever I said no, I would feel the need to give extensive explanations, and people would use this to try to convince me to do what they wanted so, this is when I decided that saying “No, I don’t want to” is explanation enough and my no is non-negotiable. This ensures that my relationships are more honest. Whenever I am doing something, I am enjoying myself more because there are things that I really want to do. I join in when I want, and I opt out when I am not feeling all right or when I don’t feel comfortable.

I am doing a lot better with people who try to push their will on me. I can see the attempts and resist because I know that this resistance that I put up now will save me a lot of hurt in the long run. I also pay more careful attention to what I accept in the beginning, as the decisions I take at the start will affect the rest of the relationship. The problems continue when the person is nice and tries to be friendly, and then they come to me, and they act as if I am the only one that can help them. I then see how they come to me more and more, and they make conversation less and less each time, and then they push their needs on me, demanding my help. I took a step back in one of these instances and I saw that the person was insisting that I solve their problems and no matter how much I tried to stay neutral and explain to them that it was not something that I knew, or I could help with, they kept insisting and acting as if it was my responsibility. This still works as it is guilt-based but at the same time, it is still an attack on my boundaries, it still says that their needs are more important than mine and that I should be responsible for their happiness. I keep with it, and whenever this person comes to me, I make sure that I ask if this is something relating to what I do and if it isn’t, I do not give in.

It is not easy saying no, it is not easy setting boundaries, it is not easy to say what I need, but I do find that it is getting easier. I take it one instance at a time, and when I fail to do it correctly or I find that I give in, I try to be kind to myself and learn from what went wrong. I realise now that saying no is also a form of self-care. Seeing value in my time and happiness, making sure that people know what I can do and creating the right expectations helps me go more comfortable through my day. Not only do I feel proud every time I show up for myself but, I know that it allows me to show up properly for other people too because I protect my calm and my peace, and I keep myself in a balanced state of mind. I can accept who I am, and I can understand my weaknesses but, the more I work on them the stronger I get, and I am on my way to making myself happy every day.