Rise and Grind

I hear the alarm and reach for my phone to click the snooze button. I try to convince myself that if I only had my eyes open for two seconds, I could just go back to sleep right away and finish the dream I was having. It took me ages to fall asleep the night before, and I tossed and turned, and now, I can feel every second I have lost. I can feel my back aching, my head feels heavy, and I feel exhausted in my soul. If I can just fall asleep for 5 minutes, maybe all of this will go away. Here is another alarm. I should have slept those five minutes, and instead, I calculated how much sleep I could get if I fell asleep immediately and then worried that I wouldn’t hear the next alarm. I now need to go to the bathroom, but I don’t want to leave the warmth and safety of my bed. How many snoozes can I afford before I reach the point of no return? Oh, I don’t want to go, I really don’t want to go. I just want to fall back to sleep and forget that today even happened. I wish I could just stop time for a while and live in a bubble for a week or two, and then maybe, just maybe, I can get some rest, but for now, I just want to call in sick. I can’t do that, though. What would I even say? I can’t do that. My grandmother always said that you should never lie about being sick because you invite it in, so I don’t feel comfortable telling them I am not well, and I don’t like lying to begin with, so I just have to go in. You have to go since those bills will not pay themselves, and you do seem to enjoy nice things like a roof over your head and food. My bladder is yelling at me now. This is it, we are awake.

My feet hit the floor, and the feel of the carpet and the cold in the room let me know that I had started the day. No turning back now. Up I go, and my bones protest as my joints crack and pop. I go to the bathroom and finish my routine, delaying in the shower and considering if I really couldn’t just call in sick, and then thinking that tomorrow I will properly feel the same and have the guilt of lying, I get dressed and look out the window. Oh, magic! It is raining, and the wind is blowing hard. I have never wished harder that I knew how to drive. I now have to go in the rain in my work trousers, and the wind will drive that chill in my bones, and then I will get to the office, where the aircon will not allow them to dry for hours.

I look at my watch and realise that I need to go, but of course, I can’t find my keys on the first try. After going around the house in an absolute panic, I have to try to walk faster to make up the time. If I lose the train, I will be at least 15 minutes late, and they are keeping track. They have this idea that if you are on time, you are already late, and they joke about how you are doing a half shift when you are leaving on time, but if you are late, even a few minutes, it becomes an issue. I made it to the train, but I had to run, and I was already wet and uncomfortable. I can hear people coughing; I know that soon enough, I will get a cold.

I get there, and I see him standing on the balcony like a gargoyle, clock in his clutches. He stares at it whenever he sees a new person climbing the stairs or going to their workstation. Wings outspread since a sprawled position is meant to project power. I do love a bit of micromanagement in the morning. I enter the room, and everybody stares at the door. It has become a reflex now; everybody does it. Everybody watches everybody constantly. If you have a breakdown in that place, there is nowhere to cry because there is no privacy anywhere, no place to sit with your thoughts and reset. Even if there was, every time people get past you, they check their watch to see if you are still on break. You have been there for an eternity, but when you look at the clock, it is only 10 o’clock, and you have sooo many more hours to go. Not that you would know the difference because you are essentially in a warehouse with blinds covering the windows and neon lights above, so you don’t know what time of the day it is, and you are just as productive as an egg-laying hen. The day goes by, and it is time to go back home. Must hurry cause if you miss the bus, it will be double the time to get home, and in winter, in the dark, it is quite soul-crushing. Once home, I feel exhausted, and no wonder, since I started the day the same way. I sit on the couch and turn on the TV. The day is done, but I still need to cook, do the dishes, tidy the house, and do laundry. I would like to talk to my friends or go out, but I have no energy to do so, and I think that I will give them a shout tomorrow, and before I even know it, a month of tomorrow has passed, and I still miss them, but I am exhausted, and I feel so behind on everything.  I checked the time, and I just lost an hour frozen, considering what I still needed to do tonight, trying to convince myself to get up from the couch and start on my tasks. Blink again, and another two hours have passed. I finished some of my chores, not all, and as I looked at what was left, I had no energy or drive, so I sat down and watched TV again, just for a little bit. Episode after episode and before I know it, it’s one o'clock and it is time for bed but my brain is more fired up than ever because now I am considering what tasks I finished today and I am already completing the to-do list for tomorrow, I am already worrying about when will I have time to finish my housework and I need to make that call. It’s somebody’s birthday, and I didn’t realize so I need to watch that I remember and make the call at a reasonable time. I wonder how time crawled at work and how it flew when I was in the house. Another day gone, and it is one in a long row, and I feel that I live out of habit. Just one foot in front of the other, one breath after the other.

What do we usually say to people when they ask us to speak about ourselves? We give them our name and our age if we feel so inclined, and we tell them what our job title is. We identify with what we do so much, and it is understandable up to a point, because if you consider it, we spend less time with our family and loved ones than we spend with our colleagues. Some people like to give out their titles and wait for people to be surprised, impressed, and fawn over them. This is where they get their validation, this is where they draw their sense of pride within themselves. Now, I am not saying that one should not be proud of their work or accomplishments, but I wonder what happens to the person when they can no longer do that job. The job is what you do, not who you are, but still, we are more comfortable talking about our work rather than telling people who we are.

I have also noticed this fascination with being busy. Every conversation revolves around how many projects one can fit in a day, and we seem to have this idea that if we are busy, then we must mean we are productive and useful, and if we are useful, then we have value. I feel like every time, it is one of those going back-to-school essays where you have to write something about your summer holiday. One year, things were uneventful, not boring, but things were peaceful, and nothing was standing out, so I asked my mates who were around me if they had a topic for their essay, and then we decided to make up a trip to an amusement park. Four of us would be involved; we decided on a narrative so we could keep it consistent, and then we each used our writing skills to tell the story. It is the same with the conversations about what we did at the weekend. We feel bad or less than when we answer with nothing much, and then the other person lists what they have done, and then there is a sense that they have lived a life while I am wasting mine. My therapist asked me why I feel the need to achieve all the time when I should be able to relax and enjoy the times of stillness and rest. The answer, I suppose, is because my parents didn’t pay much attention to stillness but were very happy when I achieved things, and I got attention and praise for being productive. I was taught that I am only likeable when I am useful, my people-pleasing nature tells me that I need to keep going regardless of the cost. Never mind that I forget to eat, never mind that I forget to drink, never mind that I don’t sleep well, never mind that I feel ill, and I use coffee and sugar to keep me awake and alert, never mind that I feel empty and dead inside, but once I achieve something, I will be liked.

 When I stopped and took a good, hard look at my life, I could see how I used work to run away from myself. I used “busy” to become numb when other pain and disappointment were trying to take hold or be processed. I saw how many times I have put work first and allowed it to affect my relationship and saw my partner at the door asking me to stop for the day and spend time with them and me just choosing to answer one more email and resenting them for not understanding the pressure that I am under and the fact that if I don’t do this today, I will be overwhelmed even further tomorrow. Work affects life, and life affects work, but when it comes to it, we try to keep it together and put our best foot forward at work. We hold our pain in, and we put on the best smile as we network and schmooze, and then we go home as an empty shell of a being, and we now have to be there for a family. The reality is that work gets the best of me, and they get what’s left of me. At work, I have to keep a straight head no matter what happens, be resilient, and be a good negotiator, no matter what comes my way, I am meant to face it with tact and gravitas. What happens next is that we go home, and we explode at the slightest provocation or inconvenience. We go to the events, but we are rolling our eyes at all times, and we are watching our watches to see when we can go home. Or we can be found somewhere in the corner, eyes glazed, in a trance because we are not at the park throwing a ball, we are in front of an audience presenting a case study. To what end? You kill yourself and make yourself jump through all of these hoops, but when you leave, there will not be legends told in whispers about you around the campfire. A great warrior who fought for their tribe and brought great victories. You probably won’t even remember most of these things when you are meant to go for job interviews as a success story. Do you know who will tell stories of you, stories that you will remember? The loved ones who appreciate you and your time and your attention see your efforts and support you when you are low. They accept you as you are and honestly work through issues when something happens.

Most of us were on the hamster wheel, chasing that next promotion, chasing that next raise, so we could afford better clothes, better cars, go on better holidays, and then the pandemic came, and everything ground to a halt. All of a sudden, we did not have the option to be busy because we could not go out and meet people, we couldn’t go on holidays, and we couldn’t go and enjoy our hobbies. All we could do was stay in the house, face ourselves and sit with the idea that we could die, or our loved ones could die. All of a sudden, going to Turks and Caicos was not as important as wanting to go to Gran’s backyard and have a cup of tea with her. Nothing like a world crisis to put things in perspective and make people analyse their priorities.

People hated their ride to work, all that time lost going back and forth, and realised how much time they were getting back in their lives from not commuting. There was this idea that if we worked from home, we would not be efficient, or people would not be working, but it turned out that people were responsible and accountable, and they still kept to their deadlines, did quality work, asked for help whenever needed, and collaborated. There was a sense of community that had been created in the thought that we were all together in this, and people banded together to accomplish everything that needed to be done. Not everybody thrived, and some started to feel disconnected and adrift without having the structure of going to work and being around other people. Some people felt that they needed others to regulate their emotions, and if they don’t have that, they spiral. Some felt that the environment affected them immensely, and they thrived and were more efficient when they were themselves and didn’t have the disruption of other people’s conversations in the background, or they could control interactions and responding their messages when ready rather than having someone at their desks asking for things. The new normal has become figuring out what brings us joy and fulfilment and pursuing it.

Not having to commute has added an hour and a half of sleep to my day, which made it easier to cope with the bouts of insomnia. Instead of drinking my coffee while reading my emails, I have started to take it to the backyard and listen to the birds sing and the wind in the leaves, smell the flowers, and then go to work with a smile. I would make an active effort to check in with people and ask them how they were. Rather than at work, I would have my headphones in, and I would just jump from email to email. Furthermore, while I was progressing with the therapy, there was a lot of anger coming to the surface as the grieving process was unfolding. If I had been in the office, I would have probably taken my anger out on other people, as it was an energy that was amassing and had nowhere to go. By being contained in my house, I could work through the steps that I needed to release that anger and appropriately engage with people at work. I know what the energy I brought to the table was, and it would not have been fair to influence people and force them to be in that energy. My breaks would be working breaks so I could do my dishes or do my laundry while resting my eyes from staring at my computer and then when it was time to clock off, everything would be done so not only I would have to give my full attention at work but I would be able to finish some of my housework as well and feel that I have made the most of my day. I would then have my entire evening to devote to my interests. I realised that while I got pride and validation from my work, it wasn’t really aligning with what I wanted to do next. I took a step back, and instead of raising my hand for every single extra project that was being offered, I stopped and considered how much free time I have. Do you know what happened? The work still got done, and I didn’t burn out. My performance improved because I was giving the appropriate attention to tasks, and I allocated time for checks.

When I started to set better boundaries and be selective with what I put my efforts towards, I chose projects that aligned more with my long-term goals, and I got more satisfaction than completing a hundred menial tasks that could be easily divided into the team and completed just as efficiently. I started to put myself first and advocate for myself. There was a situation where I was due to go on a paid training session, and my team lead suggested that, since it was a busy time, I should not attend. I have let them know that I had advised everyone ahead of time, found cover for my activities, and since the company has already paid for this training, my attendance was mandatory and monitored. I am worth two hours for myself to do a training, and the problem is that if I had been encouraged to pursue my interests, I would have been even more energised to go back to work, pull up my sleeves, and dig into the work.

Think back on all the jobs that you went over and beyond for, and you broke your back to complete tasks because you were the only one who could do it. Then think about what happened when you left. Did the company collapse? No, they just found somebody else to do it and adjusted. I am not going to tell you how work-life balance should look for you, and I am not going to give you tips because you can just Google plenty of ideas. What I want to do, though, is to consider what you are doing everything for and when you commit to it, if it is worth the price. I am not telling you that you should stop giving your best, renouncing your work ethic, and doing the bare minimum, but I am telling you that if your job robs you of your joy, affects your relationship with your family, and breaks you, then you might want to consider alternatives. Try asking for help, try asking for your workload to be adjusted, and if nothing changes, then it is time to consider changing teams or the company. You make your destiny, and you decide how easy or hard you are going to make this journey for yourself. I just hope that you see that no matter what, you still have the freedom to choose.