Working 9 to 5

When I started my first job, it meant I would have my own money and my own freedom. I had always been used to working hard and had this idea that if you work hard, the things that you want will come to you. I went into a new environment, learned what I had to do, and I have to say that some of the values instilled in me carried throughout my career. I have been told that I am in control of how much I can develop and learn, that I have to lead my growth and that I would find support if I asked for it. I was rated on being responsible and accountable, and they would say that it is alright to make a mistake as long as you admit it and learn from it. Those were the good parts. I also remember that I went for my first evaluation during a salary freeze. I was told that I was getting nothing extra for my efforts, but they expected me to outdo my performance next year. The next year, I got the same rating, and I was told that while I had performed very well, any increase or bonus that I might receive is based on how well my peers have done. I did get a bonus, and I also got to change contracts from the outsourcing company to the main company, which was somewhat of a promotion. I stayed in the team, but as management changed and the team structure changed, I found that I didn’t quite align anymore. I had grown so angry that I would finish 75 requests in a day against a target of 25 because I would channel all my rage into it and try to keep everybody out. I applied for the team lead position, and there have been no interviews. Somebody just got appointed, and an announcement was made in front of the team. Funny still, when the supervisor and the team lead are out of the office, you are doing backup, and the department manager comes in and tells you that you are the supervisor’s right hand and then realises that you are not the team lead and says you are the second right hand.  Am I now? I wasn’t aware that I was working with Kali. This event, on top of everything, just showed me that it was time for me to change teams, and I started to look within the company. Part of the process is to let your manager know that you are planning a move. Lo and behold, I found that since I was overachieving, I had been marked as an essential contributor, and my file was marked in HR so they wouldn’t let me move to other roles. I was only lucky that management changed again, and the new one understood that if they didn’t allow me to progress in the company, I would look for a role elsewhere. Lesson number one: not all people who appreciate you and see your merits will want the best for you, so you need to fight for yourself.

In my next role, I was part of a team of 40 people. Being close to the same age and not having children yet, we would be more inclined to also socialise outside of work and build friendships, so whenever we would have to do backup for each other or holiday cover, we would organically come together and make sure that everything is done quickly and up to standard, so that we succeed together. Whenever there was a problem, there would be plenty of ears to listen to and people to support and guide you because they were facing the same issues. In this position, not only was I encouraged to participate in all the projects I wanted to pursue, but I also received the training I needed to develop my skills and feel that the company expected the best from me. I was a top performer, and I was given bonuses and salary increases. I got recognition, usually as the silent performer, and I was on my way to joining an employee accelerated program that would ensure my success within the company, when I fell in love. Before, when I was single, I would fill my nights by doing extra work and taking on more projects to distract myself from the fact that I felt so lonely. Running away from my depression by answering just another email. There would be times when I would be so busy and so focused on achieving and completing tasks for other people that I would not move from my desk for hours, I would forget to drink or eat, and when I did, I would have a can of Coke and some crisps. Expectations were still high, and the workload was still high, but I felt respected, seen, and I was being rewarded with money that allowed me to do up my flat, go out, buy the clothes that I wanted, go on holidays, and I had access to training opportunities and improvement programs that would allow me to grow my career.

I fell in love, though, and because of that, I moved to Scotland. I left all of those career opportunities just as a footnote on my resume and skills acquired, and moved. In my first job, I landed in a team where people placed bets on how old I was, but no one would speak to me. I tried to take the opportunity to ask about them and try to build connections, as I was new to the country and I didn’t have friends there. My manager was micromanaging me, and every time I spoke to her, I felt disgust in her voice. I felt defeated in that job. Not the activities themselves, because I had learned as fast as I could, and I would ask for work all the time to make the day go faster. In this job, you were expected to be at your desk at all times. You would do your work, and if there was nothing to do, even if you asked other people for tasks, you didn’t have any training that you could do, you couldn’t read a newspaper, and I was being excluded from conversations with my coworkers. I was alone on an island in a sea of people, slowly dying on the inside. Before you judge me and tell me that a company is meant to get its money’s worth, so of course I could not read a newspaper, I would challenge you to go and sit at your desk for an hour, with nothing to do, just looking at a screen that doesn’t change, not talking to anybody. Even more so, I went on a night out later on after I managed to get a bit friendlier with the team, and towards the end of the night, my ex joined while I was talking to him, and he was kissing me, when someone threw a shot glass at us. Someone was so annoyed by this moment of joy that had nothing to do with them that they felt the need to chuck something at us. In this job, I would sit at my desk and count the seconds as they turned into minutes, the minutes turning into hours until it was time to go home. I was deeply suicidal, a shadow of the person I had been, and was staying for the money, little as they were, so I wouldn’t be a burden for my partner.

When I changed jobs again, I never really negotiated a salary. I just wanted to get out of that place, and it was becoming a matter of survival. In the new place, I felt a sense of camaraderie again, and people took an interest in who I was as a person. I was being included in projects, and my opinions were being considered, so I felt that I mattered again. The problem was that after a time, people stopped seeing the things that I was doing right and my high performance, and they were only complaining about what was still to do and what I had missed. There were high times when I would wake up at 5 and work until 22.00 or midnight just to keep up with the workload, while my boyfriend kept on coming and asking me to spend time together, and me asking for more and more time. When a customer complained about a delay, my teammate washed her hands of it because she had been on holiday the previous week. I told my manager that I did my best, but I couldn’t progress it. I had asked him what his expectations were, considering that I had told him that my workload was too high and nothing had improved. He replied that he forgot, and I should have followed up. I knew it was no longer my place, and it was time to leave. I was always so stressed and angry, and I was trying hard not to shout at everybody. When I left, my manager told me that he was sorry to see me go, but he won’t thank me because I am leaving before Q4 started. My teammate had told me that I should have found her a job for loads of money at the company I was going to, as well. Everybody was somehow expecting me to put their interest and well-being before mine.

When I switched work again, I was full of joy and excitement. I went for the interview, and I enjoyed myself while talking to the interviewer. When I met my manager, I asked if they had any cookbooks that would allow me to learn the processes more quickly, and I got the strangest look ever. This was a new beginning, and I thought that it would be an opportunity for everything to be different and for me to finally settle in a place. A huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders, and I could let go of all the stress and pressure and look forward to starting something new.

What a funny little thing a job is. Your family is given, your friends you pick, but in your job, just like in school, you don’t have a choice of who will surround you. You go full of hope, and this stranger only has a few hours to decide if you have the skills to do the job and the personality to fit into the group that already exists. One is trying to put their best foot forward and hopes of being selected for the role. Everything looked so good on paper, and it really seemed to hit all the right marks.

You wait, and then the answer comes, and wouldn’t you know it,  you are in.  We are so happy to have you in the family. Except, you can opt out of seeing your actual family at gatherings, but you will have to see these people five days a week for 9 hours. You will travel through snow, sleet, rain or shine to go be with these people. As you can understand, like any family, this one has its problems too. One is the brown-noser that gathers all the information and stabs everybody in the back to management, one is the workshy bastard that is even proud that they do the bare minimum while they watch other people struggle with the workload, and one is insecure and feels threatened every time somebody else is doing better. You see the cowards that can’t stand up for themselves but speak with others around the watercooler so they can enlist them in their petty battles. You also have the creep who is stalking people around the office and makes inappropriate jokes. You know them, the one who says you can’t take a joke whenever you call them out on their bullshit. So many characters together, all sent to test you, all people that you would never choose as friends.

If you have a look back through my stories, you will notice that I never actually complained about the work itself. Some of it was stressful because of the deadlines, some of it was frustrating because the tools were slow or would fail exactly when I needed them most, but I have always found purpose in my work. I took pride in the achievements and in the skills that I have learned. The problem seems to have always been the people with whom I was not compatible, but from this crowd of strangers that I have been brought together by faith, always a hero emerged. THE WORK BESTIE! The only people who make any workplace bearable. The only beacons of joy in these places of desolation.

Brought together by circumstance, you have that you have things in common that you can talk about, and then you feed each other crumbs of information to test if they do the rounds of the office or if the information stops with them. You bond over the certainty that these people are not alright, and you will need long years of therapy because these people won’t go. You will have a shorthand and know each other's minds. You will share looks of disbelief when, in a meeting, you will see one of your coworkers say so many stupid things in a row with such confidence, and you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you will laugh at this the rest of the week.

No relationship is perfect, and from time to time, you will hurt each other by going on holiday and abandoning each other. The only thing that keeps one from breaking is that one can still vent over text. These are the real heroes who help you stay in a job a little longer,  who support you on the worst days, and give you a sense of community and belonging. Someone who understands your situation because they are going through it as well. Someone who shares your trauma and can make fun of the drama. They make the day go faster. They bring comfort to any situation. They bring safety in a place of uncertainty.  They have your back, and they support you. They want the best for you, and they celebrate you in the most wonderful ways. They are your biggest cheerleader, and you are the same for them. You come together, and then, when the rest gets too much, it is time to find another opportunity, and you need to say goodbye.

Some friendships end there. When people don’t see each other every day, they sometimes find they cannot sustain a connection. They grow and grow apart. They find other besties who will offer their time and support. Some people are there for chapters, and some people are there for seasons. They fulfilled their role, and now it is time to be replaced by another. It’s always sad when this happens. I am always left wondering if the connection was as real to them as it was for me.

I have been in some really poor work environments, but I have been blessed with the fact that I have quite a few people that I met in my first job who are still my friends to this day. I have witnessed them meeting their partners, getting married, and having children. We have grown together, and despite being in different time zones, our conversations feel as natural and easy as they ever been. These women have supported me in my worst times, through all the changes. They have been my rocks, they have been my emergency contacts. They have provided counsel and a shoulder to cry on. They grew from strangers to being the family I chose. Life gets a bit easier when you can share with them everything that happens from 9 to 5.