Saving Fish from Drowning

I was always interested in the way my mind worked, and I was always introspective, mostly because I didn’t have a choice and nobody was interested but, all in all, it is a particularly good skill to have. The same pursuit got me interested in doing all sorts of tests and at some point, I found this website that allowed me to do endless psychological tests on multiple topics. One essentially said that I had sorted all of my issues up to the age of sixteen… not sure about that one. Another one said that I chose partners that I could help and that I saw them as a project on which I could work. Working on them and helping them with their issues gives me purpose.

I have always wanted to help everybody I could in every way that I could. I never really had that idea of competition where you have to measure yourself up to everybody. My happiness has always come from being useful. I loved training people, I loved to see their confidence grow, and I loved to see them achieve and get recognized for their talents. They get themselves there, of course, but I always feel proud that I could be part of their journey and that they were able to become all that they can be.

When I did my therapy, I would talk about how I tried to help this person and how I felt concerned about this other and I would get the comment:” Of course, you are. You are a saviour.” This was not sinking in quite right so it had to be repeated a few times before I could take a hint. First of all, I thought it was a compliment. I genuinely thought that the spandex suit with heels would look amazing on me, and the cape would be useful when I was cold and also on my bloated days. After having heard it a few times, I was ready to admit that it might be a hint, I took to the internet to see what it was all about. Being a saviour or white knighting involves trying to save people from distress and I might be drawn to people that have had a tough life. I then found an article that said that the only person that the saviour needs to help is themselves and that brought it home. I could see how every time someone would talk to me about a problem, I would automatically start to think of ways to troubleshoot., ways to improve and things I could do to support them in that. It is fine to want to help but it is not a good thing when you try to run away from your problems because you busy yourself with solving everyone else’s. When you offer to help but grudge them for needing help in the first place. When you use help as a way of getting people to like you by making yourself useful and getting them reliant on you.

I have taken a personality test on 16personalities.com and it turns out that I am an INFJ, the Advocate, and one of the statements on the website was “Nothing lights up Advocates like changing someone’s life for the better.” It’s part of my personality so, how can I change that or why would I even want to change it? The goal would be to have it not be toxic.

I gathered all the information, and I sat with that idea. The conclusion was that I need to focus on my issues, that it is not my responsibility to help everybody, and it is fine to say to people that I am not able to help them at a particular time. The fact that I started to learn how to build stronger boundaries helped in that because some individuals were using that to manipulate me. As I was oh so ready to be the knight in shining armour, there have been situations where people were more than ready to turn themselves into damsels in distress to get me to do things for them, things that they didn’t want to do or things that they felt entitled to have other people sort for them. When I was processing all this, I saw the title of Amy Tan’s book “Saving Fish from Drowning” and while I haven’t had time to read it yet, the title stuck in my head as the perfect way to describe this situation that I keep finding myself in. Putting time, effort, and resources towards saving people who have not asked to be saved or people who would pull me close when they needed my help and would drop me as soon as they were in a better position.

My therapist went even further and suggested I read up on what the drama triangle was. This is a concept that was introduced by Stephen Karpman, and it looks at roles taken during stressful, emotional or conflict situations. The triangle has the “Victim” as the main role. That is the person who feels powerless over what is happening, and they are either complaining and going into a “poor me” state of being or completely falling to pieces. This role and perspective are activated by the “Persecutor.” This second role can be either a person, an event or a condition that is perceived to be the source of all the problems for the Victim. The third role is that of the Rescuer and it steps in to save the Victim. Now, the fun part is that the roles are not fixed, and a rescuer can become a persecutor. How could that be? Well, imagine you are with a couple, and you see that the man is not treating the lady right so, you decide to step in and advocate for her. That seems to make her feel a bit more empowered, you feel good about herself, everything seems to be going well but, he is not getting what he wants so, he starts pouting. She sees that he is upset and feels responsible for his well-being. From being the persecutor in the situation, he is now the victim, she used to be the victim, but she is now his saviour, and you used to be the saviour, but you are now the persecutor. What an opportunity lost to drink water and mind my business.

I started reading “The Power of Ted” by David Emerald. This book gives an easy explanation of the concept itself and also the strategy to get out of this mindset. It described the victim’s perspective as an automatic reaction to just escape the current situation one is in. It sees it as a way to keep one feeling powerless and helpless, avoiding responsibility, and giving away control. I sat in this knowledge, and I looked at my life and what I saw broke my heart. I had always lived this way. In the beginning, as a child, I had no real power and no agency, no authority to make decisions for myself. My dad and my mom have moved between the persecutor role, dominating through blame, criticism and imposing their authority, and the rescuer, where they would step in to fix an issue. They have gone in even further and made sure that we were ashamed for needing their help and created the idea we couldn’t do anything right unless they helped us. It is something that they still try to do today. They still have a lot of ideas of what I should do, and they seem to ignore the fact that I am perfectly capable of solving my problems and I have done so, for quite some time now. I was pushed into the rescuer role and told that it was our duty as a child to pay back what we were given. That showing love meant putting the other person first and giving up my desires and priorities. My dad demanded it, my mom demonstrated it as she does this all the time.

Moving forward on the timeline, I looked at all my romantic relationships and I saw them through the filter of the triangle and that put things in a different light. How I would ignore the red flags, and I would put myself as a saviour and then when they felt better and they had taken what they needed, they would leave, and I would be left behind. I always thought they were horrible people, and this happened to me every single time because that was all that I deserved. Allowed me to do things for them, and surrender leadership despite me saying that I would become a dictator if they didn’t do their part and keep things equal and then I got accused I held them back and I mothered them. When I started to take responsibility for my actions, I could see that they were treating me the way that I was allowing them to treat me. More so, it does take two to tango and I was part of that relationship, and I made my decisions. Did I not start this by saying that I ignored red flags? I ignored things, I lashed out, I was petty instead of discussing things, I manipulated, and I stayed quiet when I should have talked. I didn’t ask for what I needed and then I pretended they should have guessed all of my desires. It is an absolute stab in the heart when you find out that the reason for your happiness is you. The truth is though that it also brings a lot of hope. You can’t change people that don’t see a problem with the way they are but, you can change yourself. You can’t control everything, but you can control yourself, how you react to things, how you adjust your standards to achieve the result you want, what you accept and what you opt out of.

The Empowerment Dynamic that David Emerald sees the opposite of the Victim's perspective as the Creator's perspective. You don’t react to just stop a bad situation, but you choose the life that you want, and you go towards it with intention. Accept that you may have a timeline in your mind but even if you can only take baby steps, progress is progress. You have to be flexible and accept that sometimes you will have setbacks. That it is fine for the plan to change, and it is ok for the goals to change if it doesn’t align anymore. It is all about consciously making decisions and taking responsibility for all of them.

The way that I look at failure changed, as well. Things might go wrong but even if I don’t make it happen on the first try, at least I have tried my best. Every failure is a run-through, a dress rehearsal for trying again. A chance to introspect and check my processes, patterns, and reactions. The Persecutor has now become a Challenger and it’s not here to punish and oppress me but to motivate me to grow and learn new skills, an invitation to advocate for myself and show up in ways that I have never done before, that I expected other people to.

The role of the Rescuer is then taken over by the role of the Coach. In this role, one just supports people in fixing their issues. It is intrusive to help someone who has not asked for help or advice, to just tell them to stand aside and do everything for them. Offering opinions and advice that nobody asked for does the same thing. Helping people in a way that makes you feel better is not helpful if it doesn’t match what the person thought they were lacking. I will allow space for people to speak about their issues, and while I will offer my help to the extent that I can offer it, it will be up to the other person to decide if they want to take it or not. I will not take it personally if they find more comfortable accepting help from somebody else or if they want to do it by themselves. I do not owe anybody happiness, but I am happy to offer support and encouragement.

Now, I can look at situations and see how people are trying to position me in a rescuer position, and I can tell myself “It is not my responsibility to save them.” More so, when I get into a relationship, I know for a fact that I don’t want to save anybody, I want people who have already done the work on themselves and take responsibility for their actions. I refuse to fix men; I refuse to mother them. I refuse to put my wishes aside for anybody else. I won’t let people push me into taking options that are not working for me and my timeline. I see that I thought that by fixing other people I might find a way to fix myself. I am not saying that this is a perfect system, and I get it right every single time or that I don’t get caught up in my old ways without realizing it. I just don’t commit to it the way that I did before. I become aware that I am doing it, and I refocus my intentions and my attention to where I want to go. I am the maker of my reality; I am responsible for my perception I have the power to make all my dreams come true.