Are we there yet?

I sometimes ask myself when it will end. When will I be fine? The more I work through the more I uncover. I understand that these patterns have taken years to create and cement, and I have run them time and time again. I get that these take a while to recognize as a pattern, to recognize how they integrate and what got me here. I understand that my mind will not want to leave my comfort zone, and my ego will try to scare me away from trying something new. I understand that once I become aware of this, it must be a conscious decision to move away from that pattern and that takes building my self-confidence more and understanding that while it is hard now, I am working for an end goal, and it will get better. I get all of that but when will it be done? It pretty much feels like running through a cornfield and as soon as you think you have reached the edge of it… surprise, there is more corn. So, no sense of where you are, how far you have come and how long there is to go but, now you are exhausted and probably all cut up from the corn leaves.

Even further than that, one starts to question if this is real or not. Am I addicted to drama? Am I doing this as a way of attracting attention or are these real attempts to break the patterns? Is this guilt and me feeling like a burden again?

I have watched my grandmother manipulate my dad by trying to say that she was feeling sick whenever she didn’t get what she wanted, asking for her pills because she either had heart palpitations or a splitting headache that he had caused. Even as a child, I could recognize the patterns she was following to the point where I would offer to bring her pills for her while the conversation was still running its course.

I then watched my dad get sick and even though he is out of immediate danger, his entire personality is now revolving around the fact that he had been sick. Every time there is a chance, he will take you through the history of check-ups. He will bring it up in every conversation. He is opting out of what he doesn’t want to do because of it. He has added to the pressure of me getting married and having children, and told me that he wanted to see my children before he died. Again, he is out of danger and perfectly fine at present.

This is what I have seen in my family, and then you add to the mix the fact that, as a child, I would get the most attention and exclusive attention from my mom when I was sick, while otherwise, I would have been cut off or emotionally rejected. So, am I using feeling depressed and anxious to get attention? Am I being manipulative and attention-seeking to draw people’s attention, so I perpetuate this state?

I know that the brain is a liar, and emotions are not all to be believed, but out of them, which one is the true one? On the one side is shame for needing help, guilt for needing it in the first place, a firm belief that nobody owes me anything and I should be able to self-soothe but, the knowledge that it is toxic to self-isolate and cut people off to deal with emotions. In a state of crisis, all these opposing concepts come out and they take centre stage. When it comes to my issues and demons… “My name is Legion for we are many.” The strongest feeling of them is that I cannot fall apart, that whatever is going on, I must deal with it and keep going.

I wish I could say that my overthinking, my ruminating, my back and forth is limited to certain topics but unfortunately, it extends to most areas of my life. Everything analysed, everything weighed and measured, everything dissected, and the motivations questioned. I am getting better with it as time passes. I have learned to calm down and just allow my emotions to surface in the way that they are formed. Catalogue them as I go along. I go walking for my anxiety and I have a good cry for my depression.

Things will be tested again and again. The universe will send lessons and repeatedly check if the lesson has been learnt and if the pattern has been broken. Troubleshooting endlessly until the best solution is found.

Sometimes I ask myself why me. Why do I have to learn all these things? How come people get to not work on themselves and still get what they want? All I ever wanted was to be seen. All I ever needed was a connection but the more I try the further it draws. Trying to escape the feeling of loneliness, reaching out only to project neediness and make people move away then feeling so exhausted that one does not have the strength to connect to the people that are trying to reach out to us. The irony of it all.

I lucked out. I have beacons on my path. It is very Dante’s Inferno of me. I have my own Virgil guiding me on the path. I know that I am a little dramatic and I feel everything very intense, that is my sparkle so, one must look behind the words and find the meaning. All I need is someone to listen without judgment, give me perspective, and help me understand when I am being too hard on myself. The one thing I hate the most in this life is people who try to tell you what you want to hear. I find it such a futile exercise and I find it counterproductive. When someone just tells me what I want to hear I start thinking if they lied about this what else are they lying about? Here is where my Virgil, Diana, comes in. She calls me on my bullshit, and she tells me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. She keeps me accountable and on the right path.

When there is a trigger event, it feels like everything crumbles, anxiety sets in, and the state of panic is up to the point where paranoia gets induced. Everything is bleak, something bad is going to happen and worse of all I feel like I am unable to handle or face what is about to come and it feels unsafe. It goes from “I got this” to “I am about to lose everything” in a flash. Before, I would just spiral endlessly, but now, I start by telling myself that it is fine, I am fine, and everything will be fine. I remind myself that I have handled things in the past and I will handle this again. I break things down into what I can control and what is out of my control, this helps me put a plan in place. I consider the event, and I break it down to see why it has affected me like this because it is something that will need to be handled once the immediate issue is resolved. I accept that this is a process, and I don’t have to get everything perfect from the first step. Small steps in the right direction are just as valuable as solving something in one go and setbacks are to be expected and they are fine, they are lessons.

What Diana does in all of this is priceless to me. I can go to her, and I can tell her that I am scared, terrified even and not be judged. I can admit that I don’t know what I am doing. I can say that I feel like a failure. I can admit that I feel lonely and that I feel endlessly alone. I can admit that I know the right path, but I don’t want to take it just yet. I can be authentically me and be accepted. I am being seen for who I am and instead of shrinking away from it, she leans in. At times I don’t believe in myself, but she does, and that is enough to take me through most days. I cannot self-soothe by myself still so; I just need somebody to hold my hand through all of this. I am endlessly grateful that she is my friend.

After each of these falls, I take a deep breath and look at where I am. I try to take responsibility for everything that I do and everything that I say. I take responsibility for my hand in getting me in that situation. And sometimes, I manage to surprise myself. I am at times too close to every situation, to every detail to see how I change, how I transform and then these things happen, and I take a step back and glance at the big picture. Then I can see it. I can see the change that I brought into my own life, that I am stronger, that I am further than I have been before. Do I have it all figured out? Far from it. Will I have it soon? Probably not. What I do come to realise though is that the cycles that I go through are not as lengthy as they used to be. The recovery times get shorter and shorter each time. The emotions are more in control. I can turn the situations around more efficiently and effectively. The hole that I have to dig myself out of is not as deep as it was the last time.

I suppose I always thought that there be this “A-ha” moment, this silver bullet, this one piece of advice that would just make everything fall into place and I would just have this big revelation, and I would be cured. I come to understand now that it will always be with me, that it can never really be cured but it can be managed a lot better. I have come so far, I have achieved so much, I have come closer to the me that I was meant to be, and I have started to show up for myself in so many significant ways that I would have been scared to show up before. I don’t know where my destination lies but I know I will get there one day. I know that I will stumble, and I know that I will fall. I know that at times I will despair but, I know that I will weather the storm, and I will rise.