Counting my blessings

And so, the story begins. After years of numbness and uncertainty, I found myself in the middle of the desert. Alone, starved, hurt. With no sense of where I am and where I should be going. My body felt full of lead except my chest that was burning hot with agony. I was alive but it felt very much like I was dead and vultures were clawing and tearing at my flesh. A big part of me just wanted to give up. Let it all fall apart, let it all burn but laying down as it all crumbles down around me is a luxury that I could not afford. If I did that, what if I couldn’t get up anymore? There was nobody else that could come and help get things moving again. “All of the king’s horses and all the king’s men/ Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

Bruno was there and he was licking my face. He kept on checking up on me and making sure I was well. He kept on trying to find ways to make me feel better as he could sense how badly I was doing. Even more, he could sense a darkness inside me that was too scary even for him. He would run and then come back. I started to fear that he didn’t love me anymore and that at some point, he wouldn’t come back. I felt that I didn’t have a home anymore, that no matter where I went, there was nowhere to rest. He was my home, and it seemed that even he was slipping away from me.

I shouted into the void, I released all of my thoughts and ideas, I trusted to send all of my deepest secrets and from beyond, words form on the screen. “Everything will be fine”,” It will take time,” “Poco a poco.” While there were fifteen hundred miles between us, I never felt closer to anybody else. Nobody else had my back and understood the same way, without any judgment. As I lay down in the dirt, taking stock of what was going on, too exhausted to think, I felt the helping hand pulling me up, helping me to dig myself from the black hole within which I lay. Always just a message away and letting me know that I might feel lonely, but I was not alone. This idea was so comforting, and I was so grateful to have this because I had always been alone. I had always had people leave and in this connection, I could fully relax.

I had my two companions but still, I was wandering aimlessly. I was just entirely exhausted, and I had no sense of direction. I was fragile, just like a crab that sheds its shell and remains vulnerable to all elements, so I was walking in the desert, under the scorching sun, praying to the elements, fighting the storm inside. And one day a silhouette approached. I didn’t know what to expect at first but as it took shape, I saw a blonde woman with glasses, slightly resembling my mom, but as different from her as she could be, carrying an umbrella and a journal. She offered me a cup of tea and a tissue and invited me to tell her my story. She said she was a guide and that would help me get to where I needed to go. I didn’t quite know how that would happen, but I was happy for the company.

Thus, we started to travel. The first stage of denial was short-lived. This was without a doubt happening. I needed time, but time was speeding up and no matter where I went, there was no chance for respite. Always feeling chased, always feeling out of place, always feeling vulnerable and exposed. One tries to hold onto the past as it is familiar and comforting but it all turned to sand slipping through my fingers, stolen by the wind. While still lost and still in pain, I now had three companions, and I was no longer alone. This was the first of my blessings. Maybe the most important one at all. While people did lend a hand from time to time, these three have been my companions throughout.

The nights were filled with gazing at the stars and the wind howling “You are not enough,” “You will never be enough,” “You don’t deserve more,” and “You can’t do anything right.” Ripping bits of my flesh and keeping the pain alive. The moon was witness to my struggles, as I was looking back still wondering, looking for meaning. The days were full of mirages of things that could have been but never were, of fears that might come to pass. My guide had listened to my stories and as we were trying to decide on a direction, we also knew that I needed armour against the evils of the world. I went on quest after quest, gathered the pieces of armour and as I was more protected against the world and my wounds began to heal, I could see more and more blessings as they were coming in. I thought that I could not support myself, manage my life or make decisions and it turned out that I was beautifully wrong. Sure, my life was still an absolute ruin but, the days didn’t have the same intensity, and the bad times were slightly further apart each time. Best of all, I now had a direction and with a direction, I could get a strategy, and my guide could provide a map. With this in hand, I had a new sense of determination. This showed without a shadow of a doubt that I no longer inhabited the place where I started in my mind.

Following the map, I got to this fortress. Behind big, creaky doors stood a palace full of empty, dusty halls covered in cobwebs. The chambers contained chests hiding secrets under heavy locks. As I went from room to room towards the heart of the palace, in the innermost chamber I found a mirror. In this mirror, I saw a woman. She seemed oddly familiar somehow but a stranger, nonetheless. Her features were undefined and ever-changing. I tried to look at her from different angles and catch a feature that can tell me who she is but the more I looked, the less I could see. I could sense the answer to this mystery will be the key to unlocking the next stage.

I gathered clues, I tried to follow my guide, read all I could to get to the bottom of who this woman was. I have struggled immensely, and I have been troubled by the image of this woman taking shape. Slowly but surely, she did take shape, and I found that this woman that I seemed to know was me. The hard road that I travelled was always to find myself. I had given myself up in the hope that I would make my dreams come true and now I had found my way back.

At first, I didn’t want to accept it, and I hated the woman in the mirror. I thought she was weak but no matter how much I would scream and insult her she just looked at me hurt and waited. My anger slowly began to fade, and I looked at her and recognised her for what she was; someone at her limits but, still trying her best. She had done what was needed and she had brought me so far. I began to feel sorry for her in the beginning and then I began to feel love and gratitude for her. I embraced her and I thanked her for being who she needed to be to keep us safe and, in that embrace, the mirror became a doorway. On through the looking glass, Alice went. Down the chessboard she will go to become a queen but, for the moment, I found myself in an oasis and this oasis, I found peace.

My guide had given me the greatest gift of all. Finding myself was such a big piece of the puzzle I was trying to solve without even knowing what the final image was meant to look like. In this newfound peace, I could stop looking at what was not working and be grateful for what it was. I could be grateful for the road I have travelled. I could be grateful for the lessons I have learned. I could be grateful for the sun shining on my face, for the smell of the flowers as I walked by, the sounds of birds singing and even rain falling on my skin to wash away all the hurt. I could be grateful for the people in my life, and I wanted them to know that they are seen, valued, and loved. That their gestures, kind words, and good intentions made a huge difference and that I appreciated having them around me. That they are my angels on earth and that I see them for who they are. In giving them thanks, I could feel myself filling up with love and joy, calm and happiness.

I knew that this was most likely not the end, but for the time being, I could rest. I could allow myself to let go and enjoy the life that I have created for myself.