Taking care of #1

I find it so easy to take care of someone else. All my thoughts going in their direction, my mind preoccupied with what they need. I have a to-do list, and it keeps me entertained to think about how I can schedule my day to go to the shops and buy shirts once I know that they are needed. Know the size, know the cut, know the patterns, know what is already owned and buy something that will suit you. I bring them home and I display them, and it is a point of great satisfaction when most or all are kept. It means I have guessed it right and it gives me a sense of achievement.

I approach each person with curiosity and fascination. I gather information about what they like, how they like things, what they dislike, what upsets them, and what motivates them. I observe the way they think, and I try to fulfil their needs and give them all they want before they even know they need it. I am very good at staying on track when it comes to living with someone and making sure that the laundry is done on time, that dinner is planned, ingredients are bought, the dishes are done, that dinner is cooked, that clothes are mended, the house is clean, gifts and cards are bought and made available, reminders are set for everything because he kept forgetting and double book things for himself. It’s called invisible work, I am a silent performer and although one might think that it will be appreciated, once you do things and tell no one, it just gets expected as normal and there would be no thanks, no real gratitude, just disdain if there is a disruption in the routine. I am good at catering to someone else’s needs as it was what I observed in my family. I have been told that you say I love with your actions, not your words so, serving others and making them happy should be the goal.

People pleasing gave me a goal and it was somewhat comforting as I could look at it as a puzzle, a process that can be optimized to perfection. The sad part is that when I am single, I seem to find myself lost, confused and without a purpose. When I must wash someone else’s clothes, I will wash mine as well. I will have to cook for them, and I will try to make sure that the meals are diverse and pleasing at the same time, I will join them so, I will have set meals, at set times and I will have diversity. I still have my hobbies, and I enjoy them regardless. I enjoy my sense of self and having the solitude of my thoughts, I enjoy the freedom of being all that I can be, and I appreciate a person who allows me to be as peculiar as I am in their presence without trying to change them. The sad little truth is that I am not able to stay on track with taking care of my needs.  

When I thought of the list of things I had to do, feed myself, drink water, exercise, go to work, keep the house clean, keep myself clean and looking well, make myself happy, make every single decision fast and move to make changes with confidence and determination, the task just seemed impossible. There was evidence there that I could do it. I had surely done it in the past. I had gotten up from the hole I had found myself in, put myself together and managed to evolve and grow stronger, a little trick called post-traumatic growth.

I started with a good old spring clean. I looked through my entire life as it had been, and I consider what is still worth keeping and what it is to be let go. I finally packed all the clothes that I kept just in case I lost those extra pounds. I went through all the memories and keepsakes that I have amassed and decided which ones I am still holding on to. I had been nesting for years and I had bought things in preparation for living that life. I had furnished the house that I will inhabit. I had made traditions that my potential children could look back on and possibly model. All over now and I was moving on a different path now and all the things would not fit in it. I cleaned and not only did I organize my space, but I also organized my mind. The need for a clean house, office, and environment, speaks to my need for control. I could not control what was happening in my life, what other people were going to do and what outcome would follow. I couldn’t even control my thoughts and feelings, but I could control the space. At the same time, getting rid of things in the physical world mirrors me in organizing things in my mind. I found that I do a spring clean every time I end a stage of my journey and let go of everything that doesn’t serve me anymore. I never realised how much comfort I get when I take out the trash after I had a few days of depression. I chuck the bag in the dumpster, and I let all the bad thoughts that go with it, and I come back in the house a bit lighter. Garbage… baggage… the same thing at the end of the day.

I thought that I would have the opportunity to lose some weight and start over. I looked online and I thought about healthy eating, stopping eating sugar, and drinking more water. I was going to be so good and stay on top of things, start cooking healthy things after eating takeaway for so long. It was a good plan except I wasn’t interested in food, not at all. I didn’t think of it and when I could stomach some, I would feel nauseous. Not eating unhealthy food was no longer an issue because I wasn’t eating any food. I used the My Fitness Pal app for a while to remind me to eat and for quite some time, I have lived on Greek yoghurt, bread and tomatoes or peppers on the side, eating cereal for breakfast, lunch or/ and dinner, eating crisps. The self-care in this might not be obvious but it is the compassion that while they might not be the best meals, they are meals, nonetheless. People kept on trying to tell me how I should do better, but they clearly didn’t understand where I was mentally at the time. They take the information, apply it to their lives and then add their desire to lose weight and give it to me as judgment. I don’t do well with eating alone, I am very poor at cooking for just myself, I have gone the entire day without eating or even realising that it was happening, while fully prioritizing Bruno, worrying if he has had enough to eat, if he has been walked enough and then coming to the conclusion that I haven’t drank or eaten anything. I don’t have the luxury of being picky so if I want cake for breakfast, I will have it I will enjoy it and I will not feel guilty for it. It’s cake or nothing. I will mostly eat things that I can make in 5 minutes because, on a depression day, I will not want to stand by a stove and cook. I always have fruit in the house, I mostly tend to eat salads, and I will have frozen pizzas as they are low effort. I will have cookies, crisps, wafers, something that I can have with me on the go so that if I forget to eat and I feel faint, I can just grab something. This is still living in fight or flight so, I am not going to feel bad about eating the chocolate cake, with cream on top. I am not going to feel bad about having juice with it because otherwise, I might not have anything to drink at all.

I was trying to figure out if I would ever be loved again and trying to figure out how to feel connected to people again when I started to read Sarah Millican’s book “How to Be Champion”. In it, she speaks about how after her divorce she got an “I love you friend”. Since one would say I love you to animals, but they won’t say it back, she got a friend to do that for her and fill that void. We were never big on saying I love you in my family and I quite liked this concept, and my friends were happy to help. Saying it and hearing it back, made me feel more connected but I also missed the connection that is brought on by getting a hug. Being in pandemic times didn’t help the situation since we were not allowed to meet, let alone touch. That is when I happened upon a weighted blanket ad. Now, I watched a movie about Temple Grandin when I was younger. She is an inventor and expert in animal husbandry. She was autistic, I think she had had Asperger’s syndrome. After observing the cattle chute and seeing how it calms down the cows, she came up with a design for humans called the hug box. The machine allows the user to give themselves a hug with the pressure that is right for them. It is meant to calm anxiety and reduce stress by activating the parasympathetic system. That is what came to mind when I first saw the ad and I got one. It is without a doubt the best investment I have made. While it doesn’t magically solve my issues, it does alleviate my anxiety, and it helps shorten my depression episodes.

There have been so many times when I wasn’t feeling confident, when I was anxious, and I had to push myself to do things. My version of fake it ‘till you make it is to put make-up on, dress in whatever makes me feel good and put perfume on. That is even if I go to take Bruno out or go to the supermarket. Just put on the armour to protect the tender interior. I can’t have a skincare routine because having a routine in the first place bores me and puts a lot of pressure on me instead of promoting relaxation. I will do face masks, I will do my manicure, I will do massages, I will buy myself perfumes, I will buy myself all the clothes that I had convinced myself in the past were not for me. I will wear a short skirt, and I will feel beautiful in it because I want to wear that skirt, and I will refuse to care about people’s opinions. Being me, being free, gives me confidence and makes me feel strong.

Finally, self-care is everything that brings joy in one’s life and contributes to one’s well-being. I love music but I didn’t feel I could listen to my old playlist because too many had meaning and memories so, I have started a new one to be the soundtrack to the next stage of my life. I have started to dance in the house like nobody is watching for stress relief and I think all my neighbours have had a chance to see me. I have bought all the books that I wanted to read, and I just need time for all of them. I bought colouring books. I bought puzzles. I bought plants and learned how to keep them alive. I surrounded myself with things that I liked. I started making pillows for Bruno on a whim with no pattern or real plan and they turned out quite well, to be honest. I watched all sorts of movies and series, and they have helped me in some ways to gain insight and wisdom. I have accepted that meditation is not for me, but I do love a bit of journaling. I have taken so many wonderful naps. I have cut toxic people out of my life. I stopped going to things that I didn’t care for, and I made more time for things that I did.

I try my best, but I must confess that I don’t always get it right. There are days when all of this goes out the window and my old patterns re-emerge but then I do the most important act of all, I treat myself with kindness, I forgive myself, I remind myself that I am doing my best and every setback is a learning experience. I am grateful for what goes well, and I gave myself little parades to celebrate it. There is no perfect formula for self-care, but I hope that at some point, I will get the balance right and I can commit to taking care of myself like I have committed to taking care of others.